Wednesday, January 7, 2015

How to talk to your parent about assisted living

We all want to stay in our own homes for as long as we can. Our aging parents see the move out of the family home as one symbolic step closer to the end of their independence and life. Understanding this is how your parents feel, there may still come a time when it’s not in their best interest to live alone at home.  How do we talk with them about the realities and dangers of staying at home once their health is failing, and how do we convince them that a move to an assisted living center could be a very good – and positive option?
Most older parents have an outdated vision of ‘assisted living’ as an ‘old folks home’ or a nursing home. This mindset is hard to overcome, but after you do some research on local modern assisted living communities, sometimes a tour of some ‘favorites’ with your parent can help open up the conversation. They are then able to see beautiful, vibrant, active communities in motion, and help start to change their mind-set. The talk about assisted living with a parent is a conversation that needs to start long before the need arises so they feel a part of the decision making.
First – let’s talk about the positives of assisted living: In an assisted living, they don’t have the responsibility of keeping up a home, so they are relieved of the need to hire help or let the house deteriorate. They enjoy private apartment living – filled with their own personal belongings. They have people around should they need medical help or other assistance. They enjoy three meals a day with choices of high quality, delicious food and snacks with nutritional value. They have their housekeeping and laundry done for them. And perhaps most importantly, they make new friends and have an abundance of activities to choose from.
Secondly, on the ‘plus-side’ for you: You know that you can’t keep providing the constant oversight for your parent that has been taking over your life, and by extension, taking over the lives of your spouse and children. But, how do you go about convincing your parent that it’s time think about moving to assisted living? Below are some tips to start the conversation with your parent about making the move.
• First, plant the seed. Don’t approach your parent as though you’ve already made the decision for him or her. Just mention that there are options that could make life easier and more fun.
• Plant the seed.  Offer to tour of some local assisted living centers, if he or she is willing, but don’t push it. Drop the subject if necessary, and wait for another day.
• Watch for a ‘teachable moment.’ Did Mom fall, but escape getting badly hurt? Use that as a springboard. You may want to wait a bit, or immediately say something like, “Wow, that was close. Once you’re feeling better, maybe we could go look at the new assisted living center over by the church. We’d both feel better if you had people around.” Go with your gut on the timing, but use the “moment.”
• Don’t push unless it’s an emergency. It’s hard to wait, but you may need to. Wait for a very lonely day when Mom is complaining about how she never sees her friends anymore. Then, gently, try again.
• Check with family or friends. Talk to your friends and friends of your parents. See if any live happily in an assisted living community nearby, or if their parents do. Just like your first day of school when you looked for a friend – any friend – who may be in your class, your parent would feel much better if there were a friend already in the center.
• Go for a visit. Even if they won’t know anyone, you can still take your parent to watch a group having fun playing cards or wii bowling. Show off the social aspects of a good center. Keep it light and don’t force the issue. Tour more than one center, if possible, and ask your parent for input.
• Stress the personal privacy. Show interest in how much privacy a resident has. Ask about bringing furniture from home and how much room there is. Take measuring tapes and visualize, if you can see some rooms, how your parent’s room(s) would look. Show excitement, as you would do if you were helping them move into a new apartment – because that’s what you are doing.
• A safety net! Stress the personal safety aspects of the new living arrangement.
• No more chores! Stress the fact that there’s no yard cleanup, but flowers can be tended to. There’s no need to call a plumber if the sink breaks, but there are plenty of things to do if people want. There’s plenty of freedom to be alone, but company when they desire it.
• Try it out! Consider having them ‘try it out’ through short-term respite care for a time when you need to be away from the area and are unable to help with their needs of daily living. Often an elderly parent may come into an assisted living for short-term respite care, and want to stay at the end of the respite.
• Join forces. Have a family meeting with the parent and tell him or her how much better the family would feel if the move were made.
• Bring in a third-party. Enlist a respected family friend, the family physician, or your spiritual leader to help make the case for the move. Parents may be open to hearing the same message – but from an outside party, not their (grown) child.
• The loving choice. Let your parent know that it would help you to know that they are safe. Tell them that you are worried about their care and well-being.
The more open your parent is to the conversation, the more engaged they are in selecting a community, the more they understand how living alone in their home is negatively impacting the lives of those around them through worry and time and energy – the more open they will be toward making a decision to move into a safe, secure assisted living community.

No comments:

Post a Comment